Mary still likes to fall asleep in her infant car seat. Her feet hang over the edge. She's so big that I can't get her buckled in all the way. Sometimes I'm too lazy to even try, so I just set her in there, completely unfettered. I give her a blanket, a binky, and possibly a book too, and a few minutes later, she's out.
The day Mary was born I certainly didn't think to myself, "Gee, I sure hope that a year and a half from now Mary will take her naps in an infant car seat." I can, however, trace how it came to be, but I will spare you the details. No matter how it happened, I will tell you that regardless of how quirky it seems, because of the car seat, Mary goes down easily at nap time and bedtime. What a blessing.
***
That's why I am going to write a book. It's called The Super Easy No-Cry Sleep Management System: How to Get Your Baby to Sleep in Three Simple Steps. I am especially pleased with the title, as I believe it will facilitate my book being snatched up for publication. (Who wants to publish a book called Control Is an Illusion: Parenting is Hard and You Might Have One of Those Babies Who Doesn't Sleep No Matter What You Do? Nobody would buy it.)
I'm not sure exactly what the three simple steps are yet, but I feel that it will be important to have them so that I can summarize my method in thirty seconds or less. Every parenting challenge should have a simple solution: If it takes more than thirty seconds to explain the solution, it is no solution at all.
Fortunately I know a few people with advanced degrees, so I can put their names and degrees on the back cover. (Kelli and Michael, I'll wait a couple of months to publish my book so I can include you too, but only if you promise to say something like, "A must-read for all sleep-deprived new parents." I think your two PhDs will be a nice touch on the back cover, although, Michael, you shouldn't take it personally if the mathematics part of it is conveniently left off.)
My goal with this book is threefold:
- Be on the Today Show. (The fact that my method can be summarized in three easy steps will come in handy.)
- Become rich selling a line of specially designed sleep seats. (Why would I write in my book that people can use infant car seats for baby beds when I can instead convince them to buy another piece of must-have baby equipment that will put more money in my bank account?) The sleep seats will, of course, be available in a variety of trendy striped and dotted patterns.
- Convince mothers everywhere that there is something fundamentally wrong with them as human beings if my sleep management method does not work for their babies. Perhaps I will even be able to make mothers feel guilty for neglecting their baby and feel guilty for giving their baby too much attention--at the same time! Wow, what an accomplishment.
I am accepting pre-orders for the book. Anyone?
(As for what you do once your baby completely, utterly outgrows the infant car seat, er, specially designed sleep seat...I don't know. I'm waiting for someone else to write the sequel.)
