To pick up where I left off . . .
The future was black.
Something had shifted in the fundamental fabric of the Universe. What was right had become wrong. Nothing had changed, really, but it felt as if everything had changed. Our family had been set adrift on an entirely new course. The future had changed, like in Back to the Future, except this time Marty, Doc, and the DeLorean would not be changing it back.
I realized first (several weeks after I tried to write down those predictions) that our immediate future should not include a new baby. It was God Himself who shared the news. Since God was the One who told me to have the baby in the first place, I was like, "What?!" And I was heartbroken. (That could be an understatement.) But I sure as heck wasn't taking on a third child if God wasn't behind me on it!
I also had a vague impression in my mind of what was in store for us in the future...but it didn't make sense and I wasn't ready to know...so I mentally tucked it away.
The road before us remained dark and foggy. I knew there would be no new child, and I had a growing suspicion we would not be going to San Antonio. What was in store for us? I know that part of life is not knowing the future. But this was different. I felt totally unsettled. Like my universe was at that moment reorganizing itself in some quiet, unseen way. Like I was no longer attached to a future. My linear timeline was broken, changing, readjusting.
Then, in mid-February, Greg and I had a series of detailed, weighty, revealing conversations about the future (one of which took place on this day). We noted several things:
- Having children has made me value stability and predictability, above nearly all else. Stability and predictability have become a matter of survival.
- Air Force civil engineer captains and majors are deploying at the following tempo: deploy 6-9 months, be home 11 months, deploy 6-9 months, be home 11 months, deploy 6-9 months, be home 11 months, and so on and forever. Due to the nature of what Air Force civil engineers do (and the shortage of captains), this tempo is unlikely to slow down at all in the foreseeable future.
- Long ago, when we conceived our plan to go to Turkey and then to graduate school (thereby avoiding deployments), we assumed that by the time Greg graduated from AFIT that the wars would be over and/or I would be a different person. We were wrong.
- It is probably not a good idea at this time in my life to be on my own with my kids for any significant amount of time. (Case in point: Mornings.)
- I often joke that had Greg been in the Army ROTC when I met him, I wouldn't have married him. But it's not a joke.
- A part of Greg, a big part, wanted to get a PhD. That's how much he enjoyed graduate school.
- The Air Force is sending three civil engineers to get their PhD's, beginning in the fall of 2010. One of the professors on Greg's thesis committee strongly encouraged Greg to apply for one of those slots. This professor is also on the selection committee for those same civil engineer PhD slots.
- The timing for a PhD was unfortunate: If Greg received one of the staff jobs at a Major Command, he would not be in a position to leave the job after just one year to go off to school. It would be difficult, if not bureaucratically impossible.
- The good thing about not getting a PhD is that Greg would stay operational and be right on track to accomplishing his career goals.
- Also, I wasn't keen on the idea of moving to a new place, enduring a nine-month deployment at some unpredetermined time, and then picking everything up and moving again so Greg could go to school--all in one year. I would call that...instability.
At some point during our discussions, I untucked that impression I'd had earlier. What was it?
A feeling that Greg and I were going to be separated for a year.
(No wonder we weren't supposed to have a baby anymore...)
***
Grrr...I really, really wanted to finish tonight. But no worries, you already know the end. I need only to organize a few more thoughts for myself...tomorrow, I hope.
Good night.
