I have decided to run for President of the United States.
I am doing this for my children. The rode to the White House will be hard, but I am willing to make this difficult sacrifice for them. While I do worry about the state of public education (I'd be terrible at homeschooling!), the cost of college tuition (What if they don't get into BYU?!), the effects of global warming (If Florida goes under water, they may never make it to Disney World!), and this war they will be paying for (Oh, wait--they'll have my grandchildren to help out with the bill!), I seek the Presidency not for their future. I do this for their current state of happiness: My kids will love the campaign trail.
David will get to ride on buses and fly on airplanes with great frequency, and I'm sure we can arrange a train ride somewhere in there too. I suspect those buses, airplanes, and trains come equipped with DVD players--this kid lives for a good veg-out. He gets to stay up late, sometimes really, really late to make an appearance at the convention or on Letterman, where he can announce to millions of Americans that "the pee-pee's coming!!!" (Paul Shaffer might even lead a rousing chorus of the"Go, David!" song when the deed is done.) There will be junk food galore, a scarcity of fresh vegetables, and no dinner table. There will be big hotel beds for jumping, as well as plenty of loyal aids who will be obliged to humor him with pillow fights and act like they heartily enjoy it. My son can visit farms and fire stations with me, and I'll be sure to bring him along to an auto plant or two. He enjoys non-stop action, balloons, posing for the camera, and giving kisses. He's perfectly suited for the campaign trail! And who needs preschool when you are surrounded by cool laptops that can easily be installed with the latest Sesame Street software? Besides, then we can go back to diapers, and I won't even have to change them--isn't that what those loyal aids are for anyway?
Mary will thrive too, since she likes anything her brother likes. She will look adorable in all those pretty dresses, and someone will finally give her a decent hair cut. For the baby who has tried, unsuccessfully, on numerous occasions to suck her pacifier and nurse simultaneously, a bottle is going to be her dream come true--a plastic nipple and food, what a winning combination! There will be an abundance of cellphones, Blackberries, and cameras to stick in her mouth. She may even get her very own delectable iPhone--yum! There will be no pressure to sleep in her crib. In fact, she will be strongly encouraged to sleep in her car seat, as it makes her so conveniently portable. She also might get to meet Ted Koppel, with whom she once shared a startling resemblance (it was the hair). Best of all, the campaign trail will quickly cure her of stranger anxiety.
Running for President will do wonders for my relationship with my children. Instead of yelling at my kids about the water on the bathroom floor or staying out of the kitchen while I'm making dinner, I can yell at my trusted political advisers about the latest poll numbers or who leaked to the press that awful picture of me and my cat Tigger. Instead of trying to persuade Mary that she would rather play with a plastic teething ring than David's favorite firetruck, or trying to reason with David about whether or not today is Saturday, I can save all of my persuasive powers and reasoning skills for the debates. Instead of dreading the next time David bolts across a parking lot or out of a store (a habit of his), I will rest assured that there will be at least 12 secret service agents to do the job of chasing him down and giving him a stern lecture. Instead of wondering if maybe I should "teach" Mary to sleep through the night, I will happily let her wake up as much as she wants since I'll be up anyway writing speeches and strategizing. Since, during the campaign, time with my children will be much more limited, it will have to be all smiles, kisses, and hugs. There simply is not going to be time for whining, tantrums, or crying from anyone, myself included. I think this could be the best thing that's ever happened to me and my kids.
So it is with David and Mary's best interest in mind that I set out on this campaign for President. It's time for change! They are sick and tired of sitting around the same old house doing the same old things day in and day out, as evidenced by their clingyness and how much they love T.V. I can't think of a better solution than running for President. So bring on the big bus, adoring supporters, and confetti! My kids are ready!
The only problem is that with such adorable, charming children in tow, I am sure to win. While I am convinced that David and Mary would find the White House an interesting place to live--for about 10 minutes--I have no doubt that, especially after the excitement of the campaign trail, they would revert to their whiny, clingy ways, both bored out of their minds. But, wait! I would be the President of the United States! At least I would have a good reason to ignore my children.
